So I’ve processed this with a number of people already including a best friend, a new friend and my favorite barista… it’s still not better. I’m still stabby, so I’m writing it out. Once it’s out of my head and my heart it will be better… I hope.
Here’s the deal. My parents are divorced. I’m good with that. It happened 10 years ago. And we’ve done a good job of staying close as a family in those last 10 years. But this year… my dad is dating someone. Someone who loves him and who he loves. And we (J and I) love her. But all the sudden no one is playing by our rules anymore.
When my parents split J and I became the nucleus of the family. It’s like we took a family photo and cut it into four pieces and scotch-taped it back together. Now J and I are in the middle and mom is on one side and dad is on one side. Holidays were easy (relatively speaking). Because both our parents love us so much and because their divorce was so healthy and basically amicable we’ve been able to do Easters, Thanksgivings and Christmases together not to mention birthdays and other special occasions. (Let me also preface this with the fact that J and I are spoiled by adoring and mostly single- to this point- parents.)
Before this year we could just sort of scotch-tape mom’s boyfriends on to her side of the makeshift family. We thought we’d be able to do that this year. Dad’s GF isn’t really having any of it though. She doesn’t want to be scotch-taped on to our already existing family unit. It appears she’d like to build her own with my dad, her son and J and I. I’m not sure I want to play this game. (Not like I really have a choice though, right?!) But I do think that in some way we could all tape it together and make it work just fine.
I’m not sure where this desire to "not share" comes from. To me it’s the more the merrier. More people to love and more people to love me… plus more presents ;)
Our family works in such a bizarre way that it’s almost impossible to understand until you’ve been around it. But she’s been around it for a good while now. I would think she could just agree to play the game by our rules.
(Yes, I realize I’m being a little absurd here. But really. Since neither J nor I have families of our own or even significant others right now, this time of year remains all about US. Which means we make the rules.)
Not to mention that we had this all hashed out a month + ago. Apparently, there was a breakdown in communication over the last week and that’s fine. But we had all agreed to blend for Christmas Eve dinner and now we’re not. I don’t blame her for not wanting to be scotch-taped into a family unit that already exists but I’m also not willing to un-tape this version of the modern family that we’ve (I think) perfected in the last decade.
I’m not unwilling to compromise. I know that this is the woman my dad will likely spend the rest of his life with and I love that for them. I get that going forward things will have to change. And I'm willing to sit down and have a reasonable, logical conversation about this and sort it out. But I don’t like the last minute aspect of this and I don’t like seeing my dad feel terrible and feel torn between his daughters, his GF and his ex-wife. And I don't like having to be the "grown-up" to all the grown-ups in my life.
Since I don’t have a spouse and children of my own I channel all my Mama Bear energies on my parents and on J (She’s dealt with this for years. “I have two moms!” she jokes.) And excuse my language here because I rarely swear… But no one fucks with my family. NO ONE. You hurt my family and you’ll be lucky if I’m anywhere close to civil to you because I basically want to rip you apart, head-to-toe, with some cleverly crafted and cutting remarks and it’s all I can do to hold a civil tongue in my head.
I want my scotch-taped picture. The tape’s been on too long to tear it off with our hurting people and hurting the unit. I want the game played by my rules… at least until I decide to change them. And I don’t want someone who has only been around for less than a year to try to change the rules so much it changes the whole game.
I know, I know, I know. I am being incredibly selfish and narcissistic. J and I are the nucleus of this little scotch-taped mishmosh because we’re the babies. There’s room in our lives for more people and step-siblings and all that, but don’t try to tear the tape off my family in order to make it work. Because we are still a *family*. Even if we do rely on scotch-tape. It isn't always (particularly) pretty, but it WORKS. Just because you don’t know anyone else who does it like this doesn’t mean it doesn’t.
So Merry Christmas Eve.
My dad is sad and I’m disappointed. (Not in him- although he’s worried about disappointing everyone. I’m disappointed that at this time of year people forget that there is an unlimited supply of love in the world and then they forget to share the love they have. ) And I’m crying in public while I write this because I just don’t see why we can’t figure it out. If you love my dad and want him to be happy and he loves us and wants us to be happy and cares about my mom and wants to keep a healthy relationship with her and we love you and welcome you and your children in with loving arms… why can't we just all act like adults and make it work? Especially at this time of year?
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