CWA Don't Miss List

Last year I was lucky enough to have my spring break match up with The Conference on World Affairs. I had volunteered earlier in the year with the students in the marketing department, tweeting and blogging about panelists, panels and just generally building a buzz.  During the conference I volunteered as a venue manager and met many of the participants including Andy Ihnatko, who let me play with his first run iPad, Ramin Bahrani, Shodekeh, Roger and Chaz Ebert, Seth Shostak and Liz Weir.  It was an amazing week.

Last year I posted a not-so-short list of can’t miss panels… many of which I missed due to venue managing.  But I did hit a couple.  I won’t get to any panels this year, which is a major bummer. So I decided to make a dream list of all the panels I wish I could go to…

Monday

9:00 UMC Aspen Room

1116 Why Jazz Matters

(There are so many reasons. Will they reference the Ken Burns documentary?!)

9:00 UMC 235

1117 Citizen Journalists: Rights and Responsibilities

Moderated by my favorite editorialist, Erika Stutzman

(Hopefully there will be some discussion about the use of Twitter during the Four-Mile Fire.)

1:00 UMC Center Ballroom

1513 Sex: Good for You is Good for Me

(No brainer)

4:30 Visual Arts Complex 1B20

1851 Storytelling- From My Grandmother’s Lips: Stories Hidden in the Pockets of My Ancestors

(The storytelling panels are a perennial favorite of mine.)

4:30 Chem 140

1865 The Wild, Wild Web: We Are All Outlaws Online

(We are?! Really? I had no idea.)

Tuesday

9:30 ATLAS Black Box

2164 Pop Culture: Where is the Sacred

(Seems to me, there’s no sacred in pop culture. It’s pop culture. What did you expect?)

11:00 ATLAS Black Box

2311 Tinker Bell’s New Cleavage: Digital Enhancement and Body Image

(Working with young girls has made me incredibly aware of the digital images we bombard our children with daily. Also, should a fairy really have boobs?)

12:30 ATLAS Black Box

2467 Life Outside Facebook

(What do you post on Facebook if you’re not living your life because you’re so busy posting on Facebook?)

2:00 UMC Center Ballroom

2611 Swarm Activism: Social Media and Revolution

(I love that the conference is embracing the growth of social media this year!)

2:00 UMC West Ballroom

2612 Entrepreneurs Mean Business

Moderated by Bobby Stuckey, co-owner of Frasca, Pizzeria Locale and Il Caffe. Three of my favorite places in this whole town!

(Bobby is such a character. It’s really fun to watch him try to stay out of the conversation and just moderate!)

3:30 Duane Physics G1B30

2762 Katy, Gaga, Ke$ha: The New Feminist Role Models

(These are the new feminist role models? Says who? And what are they teaching our kids about feminism?)

Wednesday

9:00 UMC Aspen Room

3114 The Future of Language from Spanglish to Cyberspeak

(This fascinates me.  Especially since the Oxford Dictionary included a definition for <3 this year.)

12:00 UMC West Ballroom

3413 Dear Teenage Me: It Got Better

(I wonder if this will sort of be like that MTV show…)

1:00 ATLAS Black Box

3513 It May Be a Sputnik Moment, but Science Fairs are Lagging

(Remember how cool science fairs were? Do these panelists have ideas for how to bring them back?)

1:00 Macky Auditorium

3514 WikiLeaks: Freedom of Speech or Chaos

(Not a popular opinion I’m sure, but I think it’s chaos…)

3:30 UMC 235

3762 What’s Wrong with American Sports

(Given that I’m a sports fanatic I think this would be really interesting!)

4:30 ATLAS Black Box

3863 Language of Love

(I love these open-ended panels. This could go so many different places!)

5:00 UMC 235

3912 Labor: Forming a More Perfect Union

Moderated by Cathy Comstock, professor at CU Boulder

(Given the state of WI and the fact that I’m a NEA/ CEA member I’m really interested in this.)

Thursday

11:00 UMC East Ballroom

4315 Humor

(Again, so many places this could go!)

11:00 UMC 235

4316 Apps, Games and Brains

(Will there be talk of game theory in the app world?)

12:30 UMC Center Ballroom

4463 Faith and Critical Thinking

(These two frequently seem to be mutually exclusive so this could produce a heated debated between the panelists and the public.)

2:00 UMC 235

4612 Genetics, the Future is Now

(I’m hoping the panelists discuss how to use these tools responsibly.)

3:30 ATLAS Black Box

4764 The Leisure Economy: Tourism, Entertainment and Sports

Moderated by Barry Siff, local athlete/ legend and a friend of my cousin Robby.

(In a rough economy how do we still manage to travel and play?)

Friday

9:00 Eaton Humanities 150

5111 Building a Sustainable Green Economy

(Seems to me this shouldn’t be too hard. We’re just over thinking it.)

9:00 UMC Aspen Room

5117 Raising This Generation’s Children

(This combination of panelists is fantastic. It should be highly enlightening.)

11:00 UMC East Ballroom

5311 Public Edjukashun Is Failing US

(I would really like to be at this panel and just hear their thoughts… probably better that I can’t go since I’ll be busy teaching public school.)

12:30 ATLAS 100

Everything Sounds Smarter and Sexier with a British Accent

(I mean, duh!)

1:00 ATLAS Black Box

5516 Art on the Fly: The Importance of Play

(I’m sure this is more about improvisational music, but I love the idea of “play” being “art”.)

2:30 Macky Auditorium

5650A Plenary Duet- Life Matters

David Crosby and Graham Nash

Moderated by Bret Saunders, KBCO morning DJ, better known as The Sage.

(How could you miss this? Crosby and Nash in Boulder? It’s too perfect…)

Gift

#30 Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What's the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

The best gift I got this year was my new bed.  I bought a brand-new mattress and pillows in September of 2009 but I kept all my old bedding.  The same duvet cover and sheets and bed-skirt that I’ve had since my ex and I were together. (We broke up four years ago.) To be fair, it’s more about being picky about sheets and comforters.  I had no emotional attachment to this bedding; I just couldn’t find anything I liked better.  I’m pretty particular about thread count and color when it comes to sheets.

But, even though I had no emotional attachment, there was still energy there.  So for Christmas I found sheets I love and a new duvet cover and put them on my wish list.  Mom supplied the duvet cover and Dad came through with new sheets (in an decadent Platinum gray) and then I discovered the Euro Shams at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  Even though I didn’t make a big part of the purchases I feel like this is a gift I gave myself.  I cleared the space of my bed and remade it to fit the person I am now, someone very different from the girl I was when B and I dated.

New Bedding- with chocolate brown sheets

I described it to a friend recently as “delicious”… which he thought was absurd. 

It’s not.  My bed is delicious. 

And it’s clear of any unwanted energy, which is good since I’m meeting the Man of my Dreams this year!

Defining Moment

#29 Defining moment. Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

As previously mentioned there were two *big* moments for me this year. The first was when I left my old school and the second was when I accepted the job at my new school. So since both these moments have been reflected on, discussed and dissected previously I’ll leave it at this:

Stepping out in faith is something I’ve rarely done.  I’m starting to understand that it actually does work.  Not to mention that I’m finding consistently that if I lead with my heart rather than my head I end up *being* much happier!

Achieve

#28 Achieve. What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

So- I’m changing this prompt to better fit my beliefs about what is important. I’ve spent a lot of time in the past decade “achieving” and I’ve spent a lot of time focusing on the “doing”.  And the “having”.  So this year I’m focusing on the “being”.

I think this might be the point, right?! If I can just *be* happy or complete or free… then I don’t have to wait for people or things or events to make me feel that way. And I can feel it today!  Plus… YAY! I get to make another list!!!

Ten Ways I can *be* Joyful… right NOW!

1.     Be present

2.     Stay Calm

3.     Take deep breaths

4.     Smile more

5.     Smile bigger

6.     Let go

7.     Dance (everywhere)

8.     Be in awe

9.     Say “Thank you!”

10. Trust

Ordinary Joy

#27 Ordinary joy. Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

I’ve found myself inspired by these two quotes when thinking about just how beautiful life really is.

"Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?—every, every minute?"
- Thornton Wilder, Our Town

“Oh. If life were made of moments,

Even now and then a bad one-!

But if life were only moments,

Then you'd never know you had one.”- Steven Sondheim, Into the Woods

Ever since I made a list for how I’m beautifully different I’ve found myself making lists like that in my head. And what better way to embrace the idea of joy in every, ordinary moment? So here are 25 “Joyful (ordinary) Moments” from this year.

1.     A fire in the fireplace

2.     Fresh sheets on the bed

3.     Warm towels after a hot shower

4.     The time to just sit and enjoy glass of wine

5.     A bubble bath

        6.     When the light bulb comes on for one of my Kindergarteners

7.     Playing with my friends’ children

8.     Hitting a yoga class with J

9.     Cooking dinner with my roommate

10. Having my mom come in and help in my classroom

11. Starting a new book

12. Getting ALL the laundry folded. And put away.

13. Getting puppy kisses from a new dog

14. Bringing home fresh flowers

       15. Watching the tree that we adopted change throughout the seasons

16. Lighting candles for no reason

17. Cooking with my dad

18. Colorado sunsets. And sunrises.

19. Getting snowed in

                          20. Seeing Hot-Air Balloons in the mornings and planes at Vance Brand airport every time I drive by

21. Sleeping with the windows open in the fall and spring

                         22. The way a small child lays their head on my shoulder when he or she is sleepy

23. Reading picture books to my class

              24. Driving behind a John Deere on country roads and having to slow down

             25. Telling the people I love that I love them and watching it light up their faces

Soul Food

#26 Soul food. What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

I ate very well this year.  As evidenced by the few pounds I’d like to drop and then never mention again:  

I went to cooking class at L’Atelier.

I attended an Alto-Adige wine dinner at Frasca with the Leeds MBA Food and Wine club.

We celebrated J’s birthday and Mother’s Day at Carmine’s on Penn.

We took my mom to Colterra in Niwot for her birthday.

I helped old family friends celebrate their 30^th anniversary at The Flagstaff House.

We ate at Prima twice although I can’t remember why.

In Telluride we had two amazing meals at La Marmotte and Honga’s.

In Colorado Springs I had escargot at La Baguette. 

My roommate and I went to L’Atelier on an absurdly regular basis including random Fridays, my birthday and a wine dinner or two.

Not to mention that we visit Radda, Mateo and Salt altogether to frequently. 

I wouldn’t have any issue with a budget if I didn’t enjoy eating out so much.

Here’s the thing though- I couldn’t tell you what I ate at most of those meals. I know each was perfection and more likely than not included a filet –medium rare- and was accompanied by copious amounts of wine.

What really touched my soul this year in terms of food were two different holiday meals. 

I cooked for J and for my BFF who is now my roommate (but wasn’t then) on Valentine’s Day.  It was my first time making marinara from scratch and I made mozzarella stuffed meatballs as well.  Then I went ahead and whipped cream to go with the blackberries.  By hand. Because with all the kitchen gadgets I have I apparently don’t have an electric mixer. Which is absurd. But not as absurd as whipping this cream by hand. It took me 40 minutes. During part of which I had to have the bowl on ice. But it was totally worth it. (Plus it gave me mad respect for how people used to cook before electricity!)

It wasn’t that this food was particularly special.  It was the act of cooking for people I love and who love me. And it was the experience of making a tricky holiday (for three single girls) a little bit better.  

For Thanksgiving we used to host huge parties.  When I was a little girl I remember having upwards of 20 people over. My dad would roast an enormous turkey and everyone would bring sides to share.  Our Thanksgiving dinners have gotten smaller and smaller over the years and this year it was just my mom, J and I.  J was in charge of the turkey.  Mom was in charge of most of the sides.  I made a lovely stuffing and two pies and then took over on the gravy.  Again- it wasn’t that the food was *so* special.  Even though it was special. I mean, J set up a pot for turkey stock to cook in so we could make the gravy with that instead of chicken stock. And my stuffing was pretty fancy. It really was the act of cooking with people I love and who also love me. And it was the luxury of time spent not fighting with family and really enjoying each other and the company.

‘Course I think that’s what food is about anyway. It’s part of why I love to cook.  To bring people together.  

Photo

#25 Photo - a present to yourself. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

I had a really difficult time choosing a picture for this prompt. I really, really, really like being in front of the camera. I’m a little bit of a ham and I’m a smidgen a scosh a tad a lot vain. I love coming across a picture where I just look stunning. But I didn’t pick a picture like that…

This picture was taken the day before my 29^th birthday in the Rose Room at L’Atelier.  It was my golden birthday and this birthday epitomizes the whole evening- glowing and golden and warm. It was taken by my sister (whose camera is sort of broken but not totally- so she photographs like we used to, waiting to see the picture until it is uploaded). She snapped it right as this monstrous dessert of chocolate mousse, fresh fruit and real whipped cream inside of an enormous glass vase of sorts was delivered to me.  It was the ending to a stunningly perfect birthday dinner.  My grandma was able to join us to celebrate, which is a treat because she doesn’t go out to dinner as much as she used to.  We included my dad’s new girlfriend and she and my mom totally hit it off.  And my darling roommate was there to celebrate with us as well. 

I actually don’t like the way I look in this picture. 

Which is telling- in and of itself. 

I’m smiling too big. My nose looks huge and you can’t see my eyes, which are my favorite asset.  On the other hand, I’m wildly happy. I’m being throughly celebrated, pampered and loved. My heart is overflowing with love and it is as if I’m trying to keep it from bursting out of my chest.  And I’m in the moment. Which can be a struggle for me. J caught me at the perfect split second.  Before I could preen or pose.

I might’ve liked the picture more if I had posed for it.  But it wouldn’t have captured the love I felt.  It would have been tempered and restrained as I so often do to my feelings.  It wouldn’t have captured the love around me either- you can’t see anyone else in this picture, but you can feel their love and if I had stopped to pose for it I would have stolen that out of the image.

This picture is a lot like my twitter avatar. Totally candid.  And even though I can be critical (easily) of both pictures they both manage to reveal this side of me that I wish I were more comfortable with.  The side of me that is silly and filled with joy.  The side of me that isn’t afraid to show how I really feel and goddamn the consequences.  The side of me that is open and full of love to give. So even though I meant to pick a picture of who I am- I really chose a picture of who I strive to be. Joyful, fearless, open and (god-forbid) not totally perfect.

Everything's OK

#24 Everything's OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

I had a few moments this year when I had to step out in faith. When I quit my job without having anything else lined up was a big one.  And I wasn’t sure that it would all be fine. I figured that worst-case scenario I would go work for my dad at the tennis shop again and sub where I could.

The moment when I *knew* everything was going to be okay was when I got the phone call from my new principal. I had interviewed at two great schools after shopping my resume all summer.  I knew that either school would be a great fit and I knew that I could do the job in either place.  But I also knew that the school in Denver was the “easy” job.  It fit more closely with my philosophy and would give me more room to teach as I saw fit.  It would also not help me look at my practice with a critical eye and I wouldn’t be able to share my philosophy with people who thought differently.  Basically, I wouldn’t have been growing as a teacher and to me growth = learning.  If I’m a teacher who is not continuing to learn what kind of role model am I for my kids? (Not a good one- I decided.)

I knew that job offers were coming- probably from both schools and I didn’t know how I would choose. And then my principal called. I knew it was her so I sent it to voicemail and I sat down and made a plan for questions I still had about her and her philosophy and her idea of a good teacher and a good principal.  I called my mom, dad, sister, two best friends and my grandma to see if they could think of anything else I needed to know.  (These were the people that got the brunt of my being miserable at the old school, so I figured they would think of things I hadn’t.)

Then… I called her back. She offered me the job and instead of just mindlessly accepting it I told her I had some questions and wanted to talk through some things with her.  What followed was a philosophical discussion in which we could see places where we agreed and places where we differed.  She told me that I could teach in the ways that I knew worked best for my kids and that only if they weren’t learning what they needed to would she step in. 

And I took a deep breath.  

This was exactly what I needed to hear. 

That someone *trusted* me enough to let me do my job.  

That someone trusted my background and my education to know that I could do it- even if sometimes I might doubt it.  

That someone trusted my professionalism enough to know that if our philosophies differed we could have a respectful conversation about it and perhaps learn something from each other. 

The main point for me in taking this forward is to remember that if I’m *me*...  that beautiful, honest, authentic, enthusiastic person that I truly am, then the right opportunities and people will always manifest.  It’s when I try to be somebody else that I get into trouble.  And also remembering that stepping out in faith is the first step.  It’s a step- it’s about action.  I believe the universe responds to thought and to action.  Finally, though, it’s about faith. And faith as we know from A Miracle on 34^th Street, “is about believing in something, even when common sense tells you not to.”  Just having that peace in your heart that is inexplicable and calmly tells you that all is well- just as it is. Faith is believing in yourself and the world around you.  And as they say in Bawlmer, Murlin (Baltimore, MD for those of you who don’t speak Bawlmorese)  - “B’lieve hon!”

Scotch tape on Christmas (not a Reverb Post)

So I’ve processed this with a number of people already including a best friend, a new friend and my favorite barista… it’s still not better. I’m still stabby, so I’m writing it out.  Once it’s out of my head and my heart it will be better… I hope.

Here’s the deal. My parents are divorced. I’m good with that. It happened 10 years ago.  And we’ve done a good job of staying close as a family in those last 10 years.  But this year… my dad is dating someone. Someone who loves him and who he loves. And we (J and I) love her. But all the sudden no one is playing by our rules anymore.

When my parents split J and I became the nucleus of the family. It’s like we took a family photo and cut it into four pieces and scotch-taped it back together.  Now J and I are in the middle and mom is on one side and dad is on one side.  Holidays were easy (relatively speaking). Because both our parents love us so much and because their divorce was so healthy and basically amicable we’ve been able to do Easters, Thanksgivings and Christmases together not to mention birthdays and other special occasions. (Let me also preface this with the fact that J and I are spoiled by adoring and mostly single- to this point- parents.)

Before this year we could just sort of scotch-tape mom’s boyfriends on to her side of the makeshift family.  We thought we’d be able to do that this year. Dad’s GF isn’t really having any of it though.  She doesn’t want to be scotch-taped on to our already existing family unit.  It appears she’d like to build her own with my dad, her son and J and I. I’m not sure I want to play this game. (Not like I really have a choice though, right?!) But I do think that in some way we could all tape it together and make it work just fine.

I’m not sure where this desire to "not share" comes from.  To me it’s the more the merrier.  More people to love and more people to love me… plus more presents ;)

Our family works in such a bizarre way that it’s almost impossible to understand until you’ve been around it.  But she’s been around it for a good while now. I would think she could just agree to play the game by our rules.

(Yes, I realize I’m being a little absurd here. But really. Since neither J nor I have families of our own or even significant others right now, this time of year remains all about US. Which means we make the rules.)

Not to mention that we had this all hashed out a month + ago.  Apparently, there was a breakdown in communication over the last week and that’s fine. But we had all agreed to blend for Christmas Eve dinner and now we’re not. I don’t blame her for not wanting to be scotch-taped into a family unit that already exists but I’m also not willing to un-tape this version of the modern family that we’ve (I think) perfected in the last decade.

I’m not unwilling to compromise. I know that this is the woman my dad will likely spend the rest of his life with and I love that for them.  I get that going forward things will have to change. And I'm willing to sit down and have a reasonable, logical conversation about this and sort it out. But I don’t like the last minute aspect of this and I don’t like seeing my dad feel terrible and feel torn between his daughters, his GF and his ex-wife.  And I don't like having to be the "grown-up" to all the grown-ups in my life.

Since I don’t have a spouse and children of my own I channel all my Mama Bear energies on my parents and on J (She’s dealt with this for years. “I have two moms!” she jokes.)  And excuse my language here because I rarely swear…  But no one fucks with my family. NO ONE.  You hurt my family and you’ll be lucky if I’m anywhere close to civil to you because I basically want to rip you apart, head-to-toe, with some cleverly crafted and cutting remarks and it’s all I can do to hold a civil tongue in my head.

I want my scotch-taped picture. The tape’s been on too long to tear it off with our hurting people and hurting the unit.  I want the game played by my rules… at least until I decide to change them.  And I don’t want someone who has only been around for less than a year to try to change the rules so much it changes the whole game.

I know, I know, I know. I am being incredibly selfish and narcissistic.  J and I are the nucleus of this little scotch-taped mishmosh because we’re the babies.  There’s room in our lives for more people and step-siblings and all that, but don’t try to tear the tape off my family in order to make it work.  Because we are still a *family*. Even if we do rely on scotch-tape.  It isn't always (particularly) pretty, but it WORKS.  Just because you don’t know anyone else who does it like this doesn’t mean it doesn’t.

So Merry Christmas Eve. 

My dad is sad and I’m disappointed. (Not in him- although he’s worried about disappointing everyone. I’m disappointed that at this time of year people forget that there is an unlimited supply of love in the world and then they forget to share the love they have. ) And I’m crying in public while I write this because I just don’t see why we can’t figure it out. If you love my dad and want him to be happy and he loves us and wants us to be happy and cares about my mom and wants to keep a healthy relationship with her and we love you and welcome you and your children in with loving arms… why can't we just all act like adults and make it work? Especially at this time of year?

New Name

#23 New name. Let's meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

I’m sure other people are feeling a lot more creative on this post. I simply can’t imagine myself as anything other than Alexis.

There were one hundred other names I might’ve chosen as a child… Samantha, Gwendolyn, Genevieve, Charlotte, Amelia, Lydia… but as I look up their meanings none of them still resonate with me, with whom I am today.

Alexis is derived from Alexander and it means protector or defender of mankind.  As a child I thought that was pretty lame. But given my chosen career, working with young children it all makes sense now.

And I think it fits me.  Which is part of why I’m so fierce about being called by my actual name and not a nickname.  My family calls me Alex- hence the blog title, but very few other people have the privilege of doing so.  I don’t really answer to Lex or Lexi, so Alexis it is.

PS- Good job Mom and Dad!

Travel

#22 Travel. How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

I travelled very little in 2010.  I stayed around Colorado… I planned a bachelorette weekend in Palisade with sunbathing and wine-tasting (if you will).  Went to Telluride, Keystone and camped outside of Marble. I just spent a day in Manitou Springs with my mom and a dear friend.  But I did not leave the state this year. SAD. Really really sad.

In 2011 I’ll be travelling to Chicago and Boston for weddings.  I’m hoping to visit friends and family in both Northern and Southern California over spring break.

But my big travel plans are to spend some time in Spain and the rest of Europe over the summer.  One of my dear friends just moved to Madrid for work this year and has an extra bedroom- actually it’s the shoe room- but I can still sleep there!

I’m looking forward to exploring Spain with her and maybe getting a quick trip to the south of France and a few other choice destinations around Germany, Austria and Portugal.

So I’ll basically go from zero to epic in a year. Sounds about right to me.

Future Self

#21 Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

Dear Present Me,

Be courageous. 

Live adventurously. 

Love without abandon.

Be yourself. 

Go after what you want and don’t take no for an answer. 

Be open. 

Stand up straight. 

Go with the flow. 

Take risks. 

Stay humble. 

Play BIG. 

Be cooperative. 

Be friendly. 

Chill out.

Tell the truth.

Trust me. It’s all going to turn out perfectly.

Love,

Future Me

Dear Younger Me,

One thing: You’re going to be a teacher. 

Stop fighting it. 

Save yourself the time and trouble and just go ahead and switch majors now. 

Also- be nicer to your mother.

XOXO,

Older Wiser  More Experienced More Mature ... Okay fine... 

*slightly* Older Me

Beyond Avoidance

#20 Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

I’m sure there are a few things I avoided pretty successfully this year.  But the one that really comes to mind is clearing with some people who I chose to release from my life this year.

I significantly changed a relationship with a close friend and never discussed the changes with her.  It just seemed like it was bound to happen eventually and it wasn’t worth the drama of discussing it.  I mean, the whole point of our relationship changing was based on the fact that she didn’t think I was being a good friend to her and I thought she wasn’t being a good friend to me… so, if she’s not a good friend and I’m not a good friend why drag it out.  The only reason I can think of is if she was taking up any energy or heart space. And she isn’t. It’s amazing how much changes when you let it.  I had avoided changing our relationship for years, fought to stay close to her through some pretty disturbing events only to discover that she was just as comfortable letting me go from her life as well.

Another person I let go of was a co-worker. When I left my old school I just cut all ties with her.  We were barely speaking the last week of school anyway and then she pulled some shady moves with supplies for the teacher that was taking over my classroom.  Not the kind of person I want to associate with. And again, just not even worth my time. I haven’t given her a second thought- until now.

The last one was someone I was building a relationship with.  I considered her a friend, but she wasn’t in the inner circle.  She is one of the most dramatic people I know.  And the word truth doesn’t really factor into her dictionary.  She wanted a big, drawn out explanation of what she had done.  It wasn’t even like that. And I just couldn’t spend the time attempting to explain that to her when I was pretty certain she wouldn’t even hear what I was saying.

Here’s my big take-away on this- I did what needed to be done in all three cases. I just avoided talking about it.  

Is that because I’m a wimp and don’t enjoy confrontation? 

Maybe. 

Is it because once I’ve made up my mind about a situation (like this) I don’t see any need to change it? 

Probably. 

Am I worse off for not having these conversations where I tell someone they don’t get to be a part of my life anymore? 

I don’t think so.

So NO- I’m not going "do it". 

I don’t need to.

Healing

#19 Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

Healing took the form of yoga this year. 

(Yes, yoga… again…)

And I’ve said it all before...

It shuts me up.  It forces me to engage my body and my breath.  It puts me in touch with my higher self and opens me up to resonate at a higher frequency. 
My healing was slow and steady this year. And breath by breath. And I’m not done healing yet. Are we ever?

I feel exceptionally blessed to be in a space in my life where yoga is all the therapy I need.  I put in a significant amount of time, money and energy into healing some of my big wounds back in 2009 and while I’m still paying some of those bills it has definitely paid off in my day-to-day life.

That said… I also spent a lot of time this year putting myself into situations where I wouldn’t get hurt and disrupt all that great healing I did.

In 2011 healing should look more like putting myself out there- walking in faith and calmly going with the flow.  Not seeking pain but not seeking to avoid it either. And actually applying all the things I’ve learned about myself in the past few years to heal moment to moment while living a life full of possibility and courage.

Try

#18 Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did/ didn’t go for it? 

(Warning- this entire post will be a rant –of a sort.)

Am I the only one who remembers what Yoda told Luke?! “No. Try not. Do… or do not. There is NO try.” (Yes, I just quoted Star Wars. So what?!)

But really people… there is NO try. Try to get up from a chair. It’s impossible. You either get up or you don’t.  Try is one of those words that we use in order to give ourselves an out if it doesn’t work the way we hoped it would.

“I’m going to try to find a job.” “I’m going to try to save money.” “I’m going to try to meet the Man of my Dreams.” “I’m going to try to be a kinder, better person.”

None of these mean anything.  Either you’re going to do it and you’re committed to it or you’re not. Trying to do something is just a big, old cop-out.  And language is a huge influencer in our lives. (Check out “What the Bleep do We Know” if you haven’t already.)  We believe the things we say about ourselves and we believe things other people say about us.  Sometimes we even take those things and turn them into things we repeat to ourselves.  And usually we say negative things to ourselves.  Like, “I can’t do it.” Or “I’m not good enough.” Etc etc etc. And the word “try” exacerbates all of it.  We can say, “Well I tried, but I’m just not smart lucky rich pretty good enough to do it.”

OR… we can change what we say.  It takes a long time to reprogram our minds. (Start now ;) We can say, “I’m committed to this. I'm not just going to try. I’m going to do it.”  (And sure, we might still fall short, but the power of our words will have supported us in going that much farther.)

This is the power of intention. 

But here’s the other part of the deal.  You have to believe that you’re going to do it.  You can be committed to something in words only and it sure-as-shit is not going to happen… unless you believe it will.  Unless you believe you deserve it and unless you take action towards it (even itty-bitty, baby steps of action will do).  This is the tricky part, because if you say you’ll try you don’t actually have to take steps towards.  But if you’re going to do it, you have to do *something*. Anything. Really… just any little thing that will put you on the path towards what you say you want will work.  And then at some point you won’t have to try anymore all the momentum of your positive thinking and your little baby steps will take over.

I didn’t get a lot of the things I was "committed" to getting this year. Know why? Cause I wasn’t really committed to it. I wasn’t taking those baby steps. Cause all I was doing was “trying.”

It doesn’t go away that easily.  It takes practice to stop "trying".

But one thing’s for sure. I’m committed to being honest about what I want. 

Either I’m going for it or I’m not and I’m not going to be embarrassed about not going for something I’m not ready for or about going for something I really want.

What about you? What *aren’t* you going to "try" this year?

Appreciate

(Somehow I missed this one during my frenetic catching up!)

#14 Appreciate. What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate the most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

The one thing I appreciate the most is really A LOT of different people.  I have the most amazing group of friends.  And it keeps getting better. I am a very lucky girl when it comes to friends… I’ve added some beautiful new ones this year and lovingly released a few who actually didn’t fit the definition of friend anymore.  My friends lift me up and inspire me.  They are all totally kick-ass people and they’re authentic. 

One of the biggest ways for me to express gratitude is to continue to be authentic myself.  If I’m proud to be me, in all my clumsy, dorky, teacher-y awesomeness then the people around me can be 

a.) proud to hang out with such a cool chick ;) and 

b.) totally free to be their awesome selves in whatever form that comes in.

Another way I show my gratitude is to cook for and with people.  I’m still working my way around some of the new friends, but my favorite way to show someone I love and appreciate them is to knock their socks of with a really delicious meal or a fun snack at a party.  Food is the key to everyone’s heart and nothing is better than that feeling of taking really good care of someone by picking out a meal you know they’ll love, creating it with gratitude and serving it with pride.

As previously mentioned (like, a dozen times) I also write in my gratitude journal almost every night.  I'm committed to writing at least three things each entry, though typically I’ll write around ten and most of these are friends I’ve seen or people who’ve touched my life that day.  I like doing this. It’s a good way to recap my day and it keeps me focused on all the positive things in my life.  But it doesn’t let that person know that I’m thankful for them...

Soooo, inspired by my mother (who is one cool chick herself) I’ve decided to start writing a thank you note everyday. I think they’ll most likely come in the form of an email, or a DM, but for some people, like my Grandma, I’ll hand a note to the postman. If I can tell someone, in a very personal way, each day of 2011 I’ll have told 365 people how grateful I am for them.  And it feels so good to be told that you’ve made a difference.  What could be more powerful than that? Now I just have to find the time.

#17 Lesson Learned

Lesson Learned: What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

The best thing I learned about myself this year (again) is that I’m really WAY stronger than I realize.  Dealing with the job situation- having to choose to leave, make the announcement, stand up to my principal and then leave and job hunt all summer long is just one piece of the body of evidence that I (usually) am bound and determined to deny. Couple that with the torture of being the only single bridesmaid at a wedding and the only single girl at most of the pre-wedding events (for both brides) and people asking “What’s a nice girl like you doing still single?” It made for a pretty fun year.

I never gave up though. I never collapsed in on myself, even though I felt like I might at times.  Especially when I listened to some of the bridesmaids talk about having kids and discount their own desires in favor of their husbands. Instead I reminded myself that I stand beautifully on my own, that I don’t need someone to complete me. I don’t need a garage that’s clean and organized and a husband or kids to make me worthwhile. I’m worthwhile just as I am- a single woman.

I even took a step towards handling my frustration in a constructive manner- instead of crying hysterically until I couldn’t breathe before coming down and getting it figured out, I can now take a step back and breathe through the tough stuff and move towards a resolution.

Instead of being totally floored when (yet another) guy pulled a disappearing act… seriously where do they learn to do this? Magic classes for Players? … I could pick myself up and dust myself off and remember that at least I had been emotionally available this time and wasn’t it better to know now rather than in three months? 

And I’m stronger about standing up for myself and for what I want. I used to be embarrassed about looking for the perfect job and the Man of my Dreams.  I used to over-commit, only to wind up totally overwhelmed, and while I still need to work on this, I’ve definitely grown stronger this year.

I realize again how strong I actually am each time I don’t let a friend push me around on their agenda.  

It doesn’t mean I don’t love them. 

It just means I love me more. 

And I’m strong enough to say it and believe it now.

Friendship

#16 Friendship: How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual or a sudden burst?

The friend that taught me the most this year is without a doubt, Alex. (No, not me.  She used to be called Alley- I still call her that most of the time- oops!)

Here’s the thing about Alex… she loves with the most open heart I have ever seen. I mean EVER. Really.

I’ve made some mistakes in our friendship this year. I’ve also been there for her when she really needed me. And, without fail, she tells me she appreciates me and is thankful for our friendship. When we have something that we disagree on we can talk through it calmly… and rationally. This was a new concept for me. To be able to say to someone, “This isn’t working for me (or looks like it’s not working for you). How can WE fix it?” And to know that this won’t be met with derision or phoniness. It’s priceless.  And it’s teaching me how to be a better version of myself.

I can come to her and say I need your help (on anything from a problem at school or a huge fight with my family to something with a man) and she’s there. Usually with the yummy food she’s teaching herself to cook. Always with a hug and a sympathetic ear. And even though she had her heart broken this year (in a minor fashion- if such a thing can ever be minor) she still believes.  And she won’t let me give up hope either.

When she and I first met we weren’t fast friends.  I look like a high school cheerleader and Alex looks a little tougher, a little cooler.  She thought I was judging her and I thought she thought I was ridiculous. Actually, it took a ridiculous comment from me to initiate a beginning to our friendship.  But once we were friends it was for life.

We traveled together in Italy (I think that travelling together is the ultimate test). We did great- until we had some other people throw a wrench in our nice, little system. But we recovered nicely. She said, at one point, “I have enough money to bail us out if we get put in jail in Italy!” And this is what she’s taught me over the last two years: every problem has a solution… and getting arrested isn’t the worst thing in the world. (BTW- we did not get arrested in Italy- although we did get lost in Venice for almost two whole days- and she did get groped by a gondolier… but hey it’s Italy, right?! And we did miss the bus for the conference about three times, which stressed me out but didn’t really bother her at all.) She’s unflappable.  Things come her way that are out of her control and she takes a step back and takes a breath and lets them roll on by. She’s teaching me that nothing is bad enough or long-enough lasting to really stress out about it.

She’s teaching me that people who really care about each other talk through the tough stuff.  They don’t yell and scream and stomp their feet (well, maybe sometimes).  They’re honest about their feelings and they share those feelings openly without judgment and they listen to each other and come up with different solutions until they find one that really works for both people. 

She’s teaching me that people who really care for each other are there for each other without exhausting themselves… that in order to actually care for someone else I have to take care of myself first.  

It’s been a drip, drip, drip kinda learning which makes sense since she’s also teaching me how to make a decent cup of coffee too.

5 Minutes

(Warning- not my best writing. I'm literally posting what I had at the end of my five minutes- NO edits allowed! ;)

#15 5 Minutes: Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

I’m going to try to do this in order:

January- We celebrated the new year with an amazing party at Kevin’s new house.  Had a blast at the Ack Night for team 53 (I think?) at the Curtis Hotel the next week.

February- Made marinara from scratch for the first time and celebrated Valentine’s day with J and Joni and a bottle of Veuve Cliquot.

March- Attempted French bread for the first time. It was an epic fail. Starting actually using my Twitter account.

April- Volunteered at CWA and met some of the amazing participants including Ebert! Celebrated Easter in the usual “Stepford Wives” fashion!

May- Went to many Bridal showers and celebrated J’s birthday at Carmine’s on Penn.

June- Went to Palisade for K’s bachelorette weekend and wine tasted.

July- Katie and Diane’s weddings (back to back) and finally met T for tennis.  Got to show off Boulder to another newbie!

August- Started my new job! Moved back to Boulder!
September- Celebrated Joni’s birthday! Lost my cell phone and had twitter and Facebook accounts hacked. :( Celebrated my Grandma’s birthday!

October- Celebrated my golden birthday and Halloween with my new class.

November- Made Stone Soup for the first time on my own and it was a success. Celebrated dad’s birthday and had our first thanksgiving where we were actually a separated family.

December- Ignite Boulder #13 (Winter Ball)! Celebrated the winter holidays with my class and had a rockin’ party full of Kindergarteners and their parents. Went to my first Potluck Sunday and hosting a party to wrap presents for Boys’ and Girls’ Club families for Giving Day.

Action

#13 Action. When it comes to aspirations, its not about ideas. It's about making ideas happen. What's your next step?


Ohhh lucky thirteen. It’s like those sneaky ladies at reverb10 had this ace up their sleeve the whole time. We’ve been lulled into twelve days of reflection and now… suddenly… we have to think about talk about action. < Whines > I’m not ready.
But honestly, am I ever gonna be ready? So I’m not procrastinating this prompt. My beautiful roommate and I were discussing it earlier and we agreed that action needs a goal in mind. It’s like backwards mapping. Pick the goal and then take some tiny steps backwards until I get to where I am now. Easy Tricky Virtually Impossible (as I see it).
The complicated part is that I want some really big things.

I'm committed on laying some huge professional groundwork in 2011.

I'm committed to conquering my checkbook/ savings account.

I'm committed to dropping fifteen pounds and in the meantime- loving my body the way it is.

I'm committed to meeting the man of my dreams starting a serious, long-term with the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. (No sense in just meeting him, right?!)

Extrapolate from there what baby steps might look like… I’ll wait…

RIGHT?! Who knows?
I know for sure what I’m *not* going to do…
I’m not going to doubt my skills in the classroom. And I’m not going to stop working to improve.
I’m not going to ignore my budget and assume it’ll be fine. And I’m not going to stop enjoying my dinners out and my wine.
I’m not going to stop enjoying my dinners out and my wine. And I’m not giving up yoga all together in favor of a higher intensity workout.
I’m not going to give up. And I’m not going on dating websites… because I just don’t want to meet someone that way. .
So… off the cuff (sort of)… here’s what action I'm taking this year.

I’m going to talk to my mentor about what I can do to get on the mentor track myself. And I’m going to find an educator’s conference to attend. And I’m going to take 8 more hours of continuing ed credits so I can move laterally on the pay schedule.

I’m going to take the advice of some smart friends and find an app that will help me track my spending. And I’m going to sit down with my best friend’s mom and work out a budget that will fit my needs (ie dinners out and good wine). And I’m going to buy better wine… and less of it. And enjoy it more.

I’m going to go to Bar Method three times a week. And I’m going to go to yoga- at least once a week. And I’m going to do more yoga with my kindergarteners at school. And I’m going to look in the mirror- naked- (yes, I said it) once a day and tell myself I’m perfect just the way I am. And I’m going to look myself in the eye and affirm all the things about myself that I continue to doubt.

I’m going to keep being open. And I’m going to smile more and make eye contact with strangers- instead of being shy… or scary. And I’m going to keep doing things that I love. And I’m going to trust that soon- over an apple at Ideal Market, or yoga mats at CorePower or drinks at Ignite Boulder- I’m going to meet this man. And I’m going to trust that he will be as excited to meet me, as I am to meet him.

So, I guess I have my work cut out for me.
Can I start now?

Body Integration

#12 Body integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn't mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?


I imagine this post will sound a lot like many others (especially Boulder peeps) posts on this prompt. When it comes to body integration, yoga is the place it’s at.
I’ve written about this here, there and everywhere and it’s only the 12th day of December. I guess it’s a good thing that yoga is so integrated into my life that it comes up a lot in my reverb posts. However, I don’t want to be redundant. So I’m keeping this one short.

When I’m on my mat moving through a Sun flow is when I feel like a cohesive ME.

I feel like my thoughts, feelings and words are aligned. And I’ve taken to signaling that to myself at the end of my practice. Starting with my palms together at heart center, I move them to my third eye center and then to my lips. Only then do I bow to the teacher in myself.
It’s important to me that I acknowledge keeping myself in alignment before acknowledging myself as a teacher. I know that I as I practice this alignment on the mat and in day to day life I can truly become a *teacher* through my actions not just my vocation.

11 Things

#11 What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?


1. Walls- I’ve built some tall ones that are pretty well guarded. Every time I tell the truth about myself, regardless of people’s reactions, it’s like taking down a brick from the wall.

2. Mistrust- Despite what I may have heard, the world really is a safe and honorable place to live in. I’m totally safe, no one is out to get me. I’m practicing putting myself “out there” to prove this to myself. (It’s going well. It’s completely terrifying.)

3. Being Lazy- I used to go to yoga three or four days a week. These days it’s easier to hang out in bed for an extra hour or pickup fast food instead of cooking a healthy meal. If I use my time more effectively and get more sleep on a regular basis I’ll have the time and energy to take better care of myself.

4. The word “Sure”- I’ve always been a little afraid to tell people “no”. So I over-commit and end up overwhelmed and having to disappoint people in the end. I’m keeping my social schedule quieter in 2011 so I have more time for the things that really matter as well as working out!

5. Apologizing- I’m often “so sorry” I’m not able to do something, go somewhere etc. I’m stopping apologizing for things that are out of my control. I hope this will help me take some small amount of power back in my own life.

6. The word “Can’t”- It’s a cop-out. There are very few things I “can’t” actually do. There are a lot of things I don’t want to do or don’t have the time to do. Saying what I mean might mean hurting people’s feelings, but it means being authentic and that's what I need to be. Not to mention- if I say it nicely… maybe it won’t hurt anyone’s feelings.

7. I think #4-6 all lead up to this one- I’m giving up being a people pleaser. I’ll do what I want, when I want without hurting anyone else and that will have to be good enough. Anyway, people who like me for what I do or don’t do aren’t really the kind of people I need to have around anyway.

8. Old energy- I have a few items of bedding that I had when my ex and I were still together. We’re talking 4 years now since the break-up. It’s time for new sheets and a new duvet cover… and some lingerie that he didn’t buy.

9. Self-doubt – Sometimes Occasionally Frequently, I find myself in tears or massively frustrated and angry over something that didn't turn out perfectly. This applies to teaching, cooking, decorating my mom’s house for Christmas (we’re not talking bawling, just a few tears of frustration that I’m not good enough.) But if I am conscious and in the moment while I do something and I give it my all I’m just going say I did my best and that’s I can ask of myself. “Excellence, not perfection.”

10. Financial Confusion- 2011 is the year I learn how to *really* balance my checkbook, how to stick to my budget and how to make my money work harder.

11. Being Small- I’m tired of downplaying how great I am because I don’t want to intimidate anyone… I’m intimidating (apparently) anyway. So, without bragging, I’m living my life as large and as beautifully as I can. My life is wonderful and that doesn’t make your life any less wonderful. Hopefully, it makes your life that much more wonderful. There are unlimited “wonderful” lives in the world.
I’m claiming mine.

Wisdom

Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?


This spring I made the very difficult decision to leave the school I was teaching at.
I had been very specific about wanting to teach in an underprivileged community. And I knew from the minute I walked in for my interview almost two years ago that this was where I wanted to teach. I had a pretty good hunch, too, after about 15 minutes into the interview, that the job was mine if I wanted it. What I didn’t realize was that sometimes when you tell people about yourself and your educational philosophy… they just don’t listen. Or maybe it was that she didn’t care. Or maybe she thought she could bully me and change my mind. After all, my principal had just hired nine other new teachers. Eight of which were brand-new, just out of college and SO young. The other preschool teacher and I were the only ones with any independent teaching experience and advanced degrees. I had been lucky enough though to spend the last two years in a philosophically strong “teaching school” as an intern and co-teacher at one of the most highly regarded Reggio-Emilia approach schools in the country.
So when my principal and I went head to head on a “rigorous, academic” schedule for three, four and five year olds, I wasn’t budging. I knew/ know… from spending years in my mom’s classroom, from two years of Master’s work in Early Childhood Education and from two years of putting theory into practice in toddler and preschool classrooms… that anything a child really needs to “learn” before the age of five can be learned through constructivist play. My principal didn’t want to hear it.
The children I taught are in some of the lowest socio-economic circumstances I’ve ever seen. Some of them live in homes with 4 other families- eight adults and countless children in a house with 3 bedrooms. Some have parents in prison or addicted to meth or spending their rent money on cigarettes and grain alcohol. Commerce City is about as far removed from Boulder as you can get and still be in Colorado. Admittedly, these kids are the kind of kids we can’t afford to lose.
(Someone asked me recently- “Who are the kids we can afford to lose?” because apparently my comment implies that there are some… there aren’t! But these kids in CC aren’t just going to screw around in HS and go work at McDonald’s… they’re more likely to end up being arrested as juveniles and dropping in the system. They’re more likely to experiment with hard drugs. We have to work twice as hard to not lose these kids because they’re coming from so much farther behind.)
The question becomes how do we not lose them? We have to get them excited about school. We have to make school cool and fun. We have to get them to take ownership of their own education. We have to teach skills like problem solving, logical thinking and sharing responsibility instead of just facts. And children have to feel successful not punished. In my opinion, especially in preschool, children have greater opportunity to learn and love learning in a constructivist style classroom. My principal disagreed. She wanted them sitting at tables with pencils in hand (seriously). And my life for the second half of the year was pretty miserable.
I had to make the decision to leave and see what else was out there instead of staying and being disregarded. I ended up job searching all summer long. Finally, I went into an interview with a brand-new principal from out of state. She has three boys and hates to walk into classrooms where everyone is sitting still at their desks and not talking. We spent a lot of time talking about what my classroom might look, sound and feel like if I were to teach with her.
It was still difficult for me to leave. I spent a lot time crying with parents and kids at our graduation party in May. I still feel so passionately about working with underprivileged children and making more of an impact in that community. However, I wisely trusted my heart and realized that I couldn’t be the teacher they needed if I wasn’t being supported.
And it couldn’t have turned out better. I love my class this year. I love that I have the opportunity to work with slightly older children. I love my parents and I love the community I teach in. If I had ignored my heart and listened to my head I might’ve stayed… and fought... and burned out. Today I love teaching more than ever and I’m renewed instead of exhausted.

The thing about wisdom is it comes from your heart not your head.
And if you follow your heart you become wiser every day…
in all the ways that really matter.

Party

#9 Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

A photo-essay of my favorite parties this year! Lots of weddings, birthdays, graduations and all kinds of holidays! What's better than a good party?!

Preschool Graduation

                                                                           

Polo on the Lawn

Katie and Dave's Wedding

Diane and Paul's Wedding



Joni's Birthday





Jess and Mike's Wedding

My Golden Birthday

True Blood Halloween Social

Jenny's Annual Holiday Bash