Having committed to Reverb10 with hundreds of others (including bloggers I consider to be mentors and friends) I’m writing for 31 days straight… the entire month of December. We’re reflecting on 2010 and what we’d like to manifest in 2011…
Today's Prompt: Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).
Ok…so… how can I possibly pick one moment? Really?! It wouldn’t do me or the reverb project any justice… So I’m choosing a whole day!
Two years ago my dad, sister and I started a tradition of going to the Telluride Jazz festival together. Dad’s been going for years and I have dear friends in the valley so it just made sense for us to go and share the time together. Not to mention that my dad and sister and I have had this connection over jazz since J and I were tiny. “Daddy,” I asked him one afternoon in the car, “Who’s playing this song?” “Grover,” he told me. “Grover?!” My eyes lit up. “I know him!” Laughing he looked back at J and I in our car seats and said, “Not that Grover. This musician is named Grover Washington.” (I wouldn’t know anything about jazz if it wasn’t for my dad.)
So we’re in Telluride this August for our 2nd annual father-daughter trip. And it’s raining… A LOT. I mean torrential downpour off and on for three days. But Sunday the sun came out… a little. We’re listening to the Gospel Hummingbirds, the Chico State Jazz Xpress, Jackie Ryan, Charlie Hunter and the Greyboy Allstars. And we’re taking in the sites of town park, reading the New York Times and just blissing out.
(For people that haven’t been to Telluride, it's sort of difficult to do justice to the beautyof it in words. It is a box canyon with a bridal veil waterfall. The town itself is full of old Victorian homes and sandstone buildings on Colorado Ave that house incredible Sushi restaurants, great bars, ski and fishing shops, banks and concert venues.)
Sitting in the park looking up at the mountainside, alternately through the rain, sunshine and low hanging clouds, listening to arguably some of the best music I’ve ever heard *live* was an experience I’ll never forget. I could feel the rain dripping down my back off the umbrella. And I could feel the bass beating in my chest.
And I could feel the joy in my heart when we decided to call it, just a little bit early, to go back and shower for dinner at La Marmotte.
If there is anything I love more in the world than music it is food… and wine. I’d always wanted to eat at La Marmotte and we were not disappointed. From the first bite of the rich, buttery flavors of traditional French cooking I was in heaven.
I can’t tell you exactly what I ate or how it tasted. Just like I can’t tell you what it smelled like… other than butter… and rain.
I cannot tell you what wine we drank or how smooth the espresso with dessert was.
I can’t tell you what songs I heard. Or accurately describe the color of the Telluride sky at sunset.
I was too busy living it to take notes.
I was, for a brief period, actually living in the moment. Not thinking about what else I needed to do or where else I needed to be.
I was present… totally and completely.
I was… ALIVE.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Having committed to Reverb10 with hundreds of others (including bloggers I consider to be mentors and friends) I’m writing for 31 days straight… the entire month of December. We’re reflecting on 2010 and what we’d like to manifest in 2011…
Today’s Prompt: Writing. What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing -- and can you eliminate it?
Honestly, everything I do doesn’t contribute to my writing. And conversely, everything I do contributes to it.
I started my blog as a space to be really, truly myself. My intention was to be entirely transparent and authentic. I aim for that in each post… to speak from the heart and tell my truth in all its hideous, gorgeous, painful, glittery detail.
So naturally, I avoid writing. It’s scary to be that honest with myself, not mention anyone who reads it.
I am master procrastinator… I’ll write lesson plans, cook a ridiculously intensive meal, open an extraordinary bottle of wine, go to yoga, read a crappy mystery, take a bath, open a bottle of not-so-extraordinary wine, walk my roommate’s dog… you get the idea, all in avoidance.
And I can’t eliminate it. I’m pretty sure I don’t even want to. While I sit in avoidance I’m really processing what it is I need to say.
But when I sit down to write I pour my heart into it. I don’t over edit- in fact I barely edit at all. I write in a stream of consciousness and work at not censoring my thoughts, my feelings or myself. Sometimes I’m too honest. I wrote a soul-baring post last year and then felt really funny about who might read it. (It’s still up... in some way it was better once it was on the internets and out of my head and hands.)
Prior to the reverb challenge I wrote only when I really needed to. I wrote only when I felt moved to speak or share what I was experiencing. This commitment, to write everyday, is an opportunity for me to be transparent on a daily basis.
Whether I like it… or not.
And that is a gift that I couldn’t give myself until now.
Today’s Prompt: Writing. What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing -- and can you eliminate it?
Honestly, everything I do doesn’t contribute to my writing. And conversely, everything I do contributes to it.
I started my blog as a space to be really, truly myself. My intention was to be entirely transparent and authentic. I aim for that in each post… to speak from the heart and tell my truth in all its hideous, gorgeous, painful, glittery detail.
So naturally, I avoid writing. It’s scary to be that honest with myself, not mention anyone who reads it.
I am master procrastinator… I’ll write lesson plans, cook a ridiculously intensive meal, open an extraordinary bottle of wine, go to yoga, read a crappy mystery, take a bath, open a bottle of not-so-extraordinary wine, walk my roommate’s dog… you get the idea, all in avoidance.
And I can’t eliminate it. I’m pretty sure I don’t even want to. While I sit in avoidance I’m really processing what it is I need to say.
But when I sit down to write I pour my heart into it. I don’t over edit- in fact I barely edit at all. I write in a stream of consciousness and work at not censoring my thoughts, my feelings or myself. Sometimes I’m too honest. I wrote a soul-baring post last year and then felt really funny about who might read it. (It’s still up... in some way it was better once it was on the internets and out of my head and hands.)
Prior to the reverb challenge I wrote only when I really needed to. I wrote only when I felt moved to speak or share what I was experiencing. This commitment, to write everyday, is an opportunity for me to be transparent on a daily basis.
Whether I like it… or not.
And that is a gift that I couldn’t give myself until now.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
December 1st
Having committed to Reverb10 with hundreds of others (including bloggers I consider to be mentors and friends) I’m writing for 31 days straight… the entire month of December. We’re reflecting on 2010 and what we’d like to manifest in 2011…
Today’s prompt from Gwen Bell was “One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you're choosing that word. Now, imagine it's one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?”…
Sooo… my word for 2010 is “Service”.
Beginning in the fall of 2009 I taught in Commerce City. It was an experience unparalleled in my world. I started teaching with an eye towards changing the world. Laugh if you must. Really, that was my goal. It still is. I believe that education is the equalizing factor, the only equalizing factor, left in society today. People who are well educated can raise themselves beyond their physical, social, financial means. I have long believed that a complete re-vamp of education is in order and I think that education can truly reposition a person to reach their greatness. Call me foolish… or naïve. I believe it.
So I spent a year teaching a group of children that I believe really needed a teacher who “got it”, who cared and who looked at them without prejudice. And it was… tough.
I had no support from my principal and little support from my teammates. I taught with people who were as passionate as I was, however they’d let themselves be swayed by the system. I taught for a principal who had no love for her students, families or staff.
And… I loved it. I loved teaching for the children and families I served. Fortunately, I have never looked at teaching as a “business”, except where my kids and families are concerned. It was an honor to serve these families and give my 30+ students a great head start on education.
Outside of work I also served as a “Maid of Honor” and “Bridesmaid” in weddings that were back to back (literally 7 days apart). I ended up with memories that are both beautiful and painful. And two dresses. One of which I will wear (to Ignite 13) and one of which I will alter in hopes that I can wear it again… some day. Point being- it’s not about the bridesmaids, it’s about the BRIDE. Supporting two of my dearest friends in their weddings was such a gift of service for me. I’m so honored to have been in both weddings and to have served (as such) both brides.
Service is a word that I continue to work to exemplify and embody.
My word for 2011 is “Faith”.
Re: my last post, I have faith that the things that are currently *absent* in my life will manifest. I have faith that I can and will fulfill my job as a teacher in my new district, even with the challenges that exist.
I have faith that I am *okay* just as I am.
And I have faith that whatever is out there for me… those things that I cannot even predict yet… is the right and beautiful path for my life to take.
Once upon a time (like 4 years ago) I was praying over a *huge* life choice and a voice (call it God, Spirit, Universe, whatever) said “Go and TRUST” and I did. Things didn’t turn out how I imagined, they turned out better. And I opened myself up to being who I was really meant to be.
So I go into 2011 with “Faith” as my mantra and “Trust” as my constant companion.
Today’s prompt from Gwen Bell was “One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you're choosing that word. Now, imagine it's one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?”…
Sooo… my word for 2010 is “Service”.
Beginning in the fall of 2009 I taught in Commerce City. It was an experience unparalleled in my world. I started teaching with an eye towards changing the world. Laugh if you must. Really, that was my goal. It still is. I believe that education is the equalizing factor, the only equalizing factor, left in society today. People who are well educated can raise themselves beyond their physical, social, financial means. I have long believed that a complete re-vamp of education is in order and I think that education can truly reposition a person to reach their greatness. Call me foolish… or naïve. I believe it.
So I spent a year teaching a group of children that I believe really needed a teacher who “got it”, who cared and who looked at them without prejudice. And it was… tough.
I had no support from my principal and little support from my teammates. I taught with people who were as passionate as I was, however they’d let themselves be swayed by the system. I taught for a principal who had no love for her students, families or staff.
And… I loved it. I loved teaching for the children and families I served. Fortunately, I have never looked at teaching as a “business”, except where my kids and families are concerned. It was an honor to serve these families and give my 30+ students a great head start on education.
Outside of work I also served as a “Maid of Honor” and “Bridesmaid” in weddings that were back to back (literally 7 days apart). I ended up with memories that are both beautiful and painful. And two dresses. One of which I will wear (to Ignite 13) and one of which I will alter in hopes that I can wear it again… some day. Point being- it’s not about the bridesmaids, it’s about the BRIDE. Supporting two of my dearest friends in their weddings was such a gift of service for me. I’m so honored to have been in both weddings and to have served (as such) both brides.
Service is a word that I continue to work to exemplify and embody.
My word for 2011 is “Faith”.
Re: my last post, I have faith that the things that are currently *absent* in my life will manifest. I have faith that I can and will fulfill my job as a teacher in my new district, even with the challenges that exist.
I have faith that I am *okay* just as I am.
And I have faith that whatever is out there for me… those things that I cannot even predict yet… is the right and beautiful path for my life to take.
Once upon a time (like 4 years ago) I was praying over a *huge* life choice and a voice (call it God, Spirit, Universe, whatever) said “Go and TRUST” and I did. Things didn’t turn out how I imagined, they turned out better. And I opened myself up to being who I was really meant to be.
So I go into 2011 with “Faith” as my mantra and “Trust” as my constant companion.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Joyful Girl
So, I had a big awakening this weekend. One that has been at least six months coming.
I live a blessed life. Life really is *that* good. Crazy, isn’t it?
Perhaps this is self-indulgent. Perhaps it will make you want to vomit... I hope not.
Maybe I’ve been blind for the last six months. Whatever it was… I get it now.
MY life is good. I am blessed and I'm thankful for it.
For the last six months I’ve been thinking about what’s missing, rather than what’s present. I’ve been focused on what I want, rather than what I have. I've spent so much time thinking that what I have isn't good enough. Isn't *enough*. No wonder I haven’t been happy. Now when I choose to focus on it -- I realize just how fortunate I am and I'm embracing it.
I have a totally kick-ass family. My sister is quite possibly the best person I know. If I could go back in time… waaaay back in time, I’d plan on being the little sister so I could model myself after her. My mom spends her free time talking me down from whatever new ledge I’ve imagined myself on and helping in my classroom and my daddy coddles me and cooks for me until it’s time for an “intervention” as he likes to call it. Not to mention my grandma, aunts, uncles and cousins who are all awesome (and my baby cousins are super cute too). Sure, my sister and I get into it from time to time (usually I’m overreacting). And sure I don’t always see eye to eye with my mom or dad. But really? They’re beautiful. I heart my family. And I'm lucky they put up with me most of the time!
I have inspiring friends. Admittedly, it’s not easy to get to know me. I’m a workaholic. And I fill my calendar quickly. One of my best friends recently quipped, “Doesn’t he know your schedule fills up faster than the Queen’s?” And… I’m guarded. Too many years of being picked on for being too tall, awkward, smart, blonde… fill in the blank. I got teased ... mercilessly, for it. So I don’t let people in easily. But once you’re in- you’re in. If I consider you a friend I likely consider you a dear friend. So after years of being really picky I can say this honestly… I have the best friends a girl could ask for…loyal, kind, generous and spontaneous. I respect them and I look up to them.
I have an amazing job. Teaching in the school district where I grew up, in a community that is small (just like where I grew up), with amazing children and supportive parents is a dream. Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of things that go wrong in my room. We’re loud and rambunctious. Sometimes we’re not safe with our hands or feet or teeth (no joke- I had a Kindergartener bite someone this year). Sometimes we yell in the hallway or run when we’re not supposed to. But you know what? I L-O-V-E these kids. They are smart and funny and sweet. And kind and creative and cuddly. And by some miracle of whoever-is-in-charge-up-there they love me too. The staff at my school and my teammates are the kind of teachers you’d want your kids to have. They are innovative, energetic and passionate. They are advocates for education and for each and every child in their classrooms. I look up to these men and women and I’m so honored to be in their company.
I live in a wonderland. Not just Boulder… Colorado in general and my apartment specifically. Sure- I miss Denver. I miss the hustle and bustle of “city” life. I miss the views and I miss walking to the UCD campus for class on the weekends. But Boulder is home. Always has been. And even though I (technically) grew up elsewhere I’ve always told people I’m from here and since I was born here- blocks from where I now live- I figure it’s pretty much the truth. And I have two closets! And a fireplace. We’re walking distance to Vic’s, Moe’s and Radda, which is my new “Cheers”. Plus I adore walking in to see Matthew and Megan and being handed a glass of bubbly.
So... Life. Is. Good. Really good. I'm really good. And I realize it… RIGHT NOW.
I choose to be joyful and to see the beauty in my own life.
And, yea, there are some things/ people/ events that I’d eventually like to have. There are things missing. There are things I’m working on.
And I’m okay with that. I’m at peace with it.
In fact, I love it. It’s perfect for me.
Right now.
I live a blessed life. Life really is *that* good. Crazy, isn’t it?
Perhaps this is self-indulgent. Perhaps it will make you want to vomit... I hope not.
Maybe I’ve been blind for the last six months. Whatever it was… I get it now.
MY life is good. I am blessed and I'm thankful for it.
For the last six months I’ve been thinking about what’s missing, rather than what’s present. I’ve been focused on what I want, rather than what I have. I've spent so much time thinking that what I have isn't good enough. Isn't *enough*. No wonder I haven’t been happy. Now when I choose to focus on it -- I realize just how fortunate I am and I'm embracing it.
I have a totally kick-ass family. My sister is quite possibly the best person I know. If I could go back in time… waaaay back in time, I’d plan on being the little sister so I could model myself after her. My mom spends her free time talking me down from whatever new ledge I’ve imagined myself on and helping in my classroom and my daddy coddles me and cooks for me until it’s time for an “intervention” as he likes to call it. Not to mention my grandma, aunts, uncles and cousins who are all awesome (and my baby cousins are super cute too). Sure, my sister and I get into it from time to time (usually I’m overreacting). And sure I don’t always see eye to eye with my mom or dad. But really? They’re beautiful. I heart my family. And I'm lucky they put up with me most of the time!
I have inspiring friends. Admittedly, it’s not easy to get to know me. I’m a workaholic. And I fill my calendar quickly. One of my best friends recently quipped, “Doesn’t he know your schedule fills up faster than the Queen’s?” And… I’m guarded. Too many years of being picked on for being too tall, awkward, smart, blonde… fill in the blank. I got teased ... mercilessly, for it. So I don’t let people in easily. But once you’re in- you’re in. If I consider you a friend I likely consider you a dear friend. So after years of being really picky I can say this honestly… I have the best friends a girl could ask for…loyal, kind, generous and spontaneous. I respect them and I look up to them.
I have an amazing job. Teaching in the school district where I grew up, in a community that is small (just like where I grew up), with amazing children and supportive parents is a dream. Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of things that go wrong in my room. We’re loud and rambunctious. Sometimes we’re not safe with our hands or feet or teeth (no joke- I had a Kindergartener bite someone this year). Sometimes we yell in the hallway or run when we’re not supposed to. But you know what? I L-O-V-E these kids. They are smart and funny and sweet. And kind and creative and cuddly. And by some miracle of whoever-is-in-charge-up-there they love me too. The staff at my school and my teammates are the kind of teachers you’d want your kids to have. They are innovative, energetic and passionate. They are advocates for education and for each and every child in their classrooms. I look up to these men and women and I’m so honored to be in their company.
I live in a wonderland. Not just Boulder… Colorado in general and my apartment specifically. Sure- I miss Denver. I miss the hustle and bustle of “city” life. I miss the views and I miss walking to the UCD campus for class on the weekends. But Boulder is home. Always has been. And even though I (technically) grew up elsewhere I’ve always told people I’m from here and since I was born here- blocks from where I now live- I figure it’s pretty much the truth. And I have two closets! And a fireplace. We’re walking distance to Vic’s, Moe’s and Radda, which is my new “Cheers”. Plus I adore walking in to see Matthew and Megan and being handed a glass of bubbly.
So... Life. Is. Good. Really good. I'm really good. And I realize it… RIGHT NOW.
I choose to be joyful and to see the beauty in my own life.
And, yea, there are some things/ people/ events that I’d eventually like to have. There are things missing. There are things I’m working on.
And I’m okay with that. I’m at peace with it.
In fact, I love it. It’s perfect for me.
Right now.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
I feel so lucky to have my spring break match up with the Conference on World Affairs. This enables me to volunteer as a venue manager for the week! If you’re on campus at CU Boulder or around Boulder at all this week...let me know or find me at one of these panels! Since I’m geeking out beyond reason here’s
My Short List for CWA 2010:
9am Visual Arts Complex 1B20
Film Screening: Plastic Bag
10am The Quad
Student Brunch and the Processional
11:30am Macky
Keynote: Rethinking American Power
3pm Eaton 1B50
Teaching Empathy
3pm Chemistry 140
Food Porn: Out of the Kitchen and Onto the Couch
3pm UMC East Ballroom
Tweeting the Conference: A Demonstration
3pm Old Main
Women in Politics: Forward, Backward, Sideways
4pm Visual Arts Complex 1B20
I Never Let My Schooling Interfere With My Education
10:30am Grusin Music Hall
Cringe Humor from Shakespeare to Family Guy
11am UMC West Ballroom
Truthiness and the Sliding Scale of Reality
12:30pm UMC Center Ballroom
Possession and Transformation: The Myth of Vampires, the Practice of Vodou
2pm UMC West Ballroom
International Relations Through the Eyes of Women
3:30pm Atlas Black Box
Your BA is Just BS
3:30 UMC Center Ballroom
Do Tell: Gays in the Military
8:00pm Macky
Jazz Concert Pre-assigned seating- SOLD OUT :(
9am UMC Aspen Room
A Woman's Worth
9am UMC West Ballroom
SuperGeeks Changing the World
10:30 UMC East Ballroom
Writing- The Process
11am UMC West Ballroom
Teaching of Our Fathers, Wisdom of Our Mothers
11am UMC 235
You Lie: The Erosion of Civility
11:30 Macky
The Future of Food
1pm Atlas Black Box
Hip Hop BeBop Flip Flop: The Political Role of Poetry and Music
3pm Old Main
Friendship- From Internet to Intimate
4:30pm UMC West Ballroom
Metrofitting the City
9am UMC Center Ballroom
Start-up America: Innovating to Complete
2pm UMC 235
Artful Trio: Beat Box Fusion
2pm Atlas Black Box
Corporate Storytelling
3:30 UMC East Ballroom
Happiness is Overrated
9am UMC 235
Brave New Digital-Visual World
10:30am Macky
Worldwide Currency Devaluation
11am Atlas Black Box
Twisted Career Paths
11am Old Main
Spirituality: What Feeds My Soul
1pm UMC East Ballroom
Alternate Routes to Health and Healing
Of course there's also the Interruptus of Aquirre, the Wrath of God with Ebert, Herzog, Bahrani and Emerson everyday at 4pm in Macky, too.
And as usual, the Conference is stacked with incredible panels and participants! It’s almost impossible to choose where to be and when... Looking forward to finding the time to see a few of these favorites.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Sunday School at L'Atelier
Organized by the most extraordinary young hostess in Boulder, Chef Brian Long and Sommelier Ari Kara welcomed 12 of us into the kitchen at L’Atelier for “Sunday School” last week. Brian told us, “welcome to our kitchen, because today it is ours”. And it did feel like ours. We had the chance to explore the kitchen, select our own ingredients and get elbow deep in new techniques.
L’Atelier is one of the most refined restaurants in Boulder and a consistent favorite of mine since it first opened back in 2003. It is a tribute to the true enjoyment of life. The wine, thanks to Ari, is always impeccably matched to food that really does speak for itself. L’Atelier is a place where perfection and beauty are never rushed and my experiences there always remind that this is what being gorgeous is about, stepping back, slowly down and living in the moment.
This was the Sunday of a lifetime. Over the course of six hours we tasted, chopped, stirred, simmered and bantered. Brian told us that cooking is an art. It’s not about measuring properly, or really even about measuring at all. It is about feeling what to use, finding the most fresh, delicious ingredients available, trusting one’s self and just going for it. This was just what I needed to hear. In the kitchen as in many places in my life I tend to over-think everything. Did I get exactly what the recipe recommended? What if there was no fresh mint? Would I ruin what otherwise might have been a gourmet meal? Every ounce, teaspoon and even dash is perfectly measured because it would never do to embarrass myself with an over seasoned or dry dish.
Brian made it clear that being a chef, professional or otherwise is not about following the recipe perfectly. It’s not about perfection at all. It is only about excellence. It is about the feeling in the food. It is about the love and energy put into preparing something that I enjoy for people that I care about.
I had the most amazing conversation yesterday about the power of food with Rachael, one of the authors of Sweet Pea and Punkin Seed, my favorite food blog to date. Food brings us together, it gives us traditions. This is what I love about food and what I love about cooking. And this is the essence of our day at L’Atelier. Love, feeling, friendship and the gorgeousness of each moment we spend in the kitchen.
I had the most amazing conversation yesterday about the power of food with Rachael, one of the authors of Sweet Pea and Punkin Seed, my favorite food blog to date. Food brings us together, it gives us traditions. This is what I love about food and what I love about cooking. And this is the essence of our day at L’Atelier. Love, feeling, friendship and the gorgeousness of each moment we spend in the kitchen.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
So, as much as I’ve needed to write about this…for a very long time…I’ve been avoiding it…for a very long time. I’ve been infatuated with, in love with (call it what you will) a man for more than a year. We became best friends. We spent a lot of time together, growing and learning about ourselves and then about each other. Without even meaning to be we were there for each other during some really difficult points this past year. He’s the one man I felt like I could be really honest with. The one man I felt like I could really be myself around. I could be my crazy girly self. I could be my crazy controlling, intense self. I could be silly, ridiculous even, with him and he appreciated it or at least understood it.
When we first met I was attracted to him, a lot. Which is understandable considering. As I got to know him better I found him less attractive physically but that was replaced with finding him more attractive emotionally. The number of things we have in common is a little scary. We are essentially the same person. Which makes it blatantly clear that dating would not be a good idea. During the first few months we knew each other he told me that he saw me as a friend only and that he did not see it leading anywhere other than that…which hurt… a lot. Working on ourselves side-by-side, with a lot of other people who we both became close to, I was able to put the friendship first and let go of any expectations. Sure, I always hoped he would figure out how amazing I was, but I never really put a lot of faith in that. Maybe I already knew that it didn’t make sense, that it wouldn’t work out. Our friendship was wonderful. We talked on the phone, caught up in person when we had time, just generally supported each other and on some level loved each other. I gave him a lot of energy. I gave him a lot of heart space, most of my heart space for the greater portion of this last year. Which served the interesting purpose of keeping me emotionally unavailable to anyone else who might happen along.
Then he kissed me.
This was, I thought, the moment I had been waiting for. It felt good, but it didn’t feel great, which is sort of a strange thing to admit. After all this attraction and companionship the jolt wasn’t there. It didn’t feel like kissing the love of my life. Yet, I still wanted it to turn into something. I wanted the relationship of my dreams with my best friend. I wanted him to want me. But almost instantly, things got weird. I over thought it, he over thought it. Then, radio silence. Then, it was as if it had not happened. It was as if I had fabricated the whole thing in some tiny little back corner of my fantastic imagination. All of a sudden we were back to being friends without so much as a “thanks for the moment”.
I haven’t been able to relate to him ever since. I haven’t been able to be myself around him ever since. I think the thing that disturbs me so greatly is that I may be in love with someone who could not possibly be a worse fit for me. Perhaps it is that I feel like a fool, essentially loving someone who doesn’t love me in return. But, really, which is worse? Loving someone who is not at all right for me or loving someone who doesn’t love me? Perhaps it is that we are carbon copies of each other. Perhaps is that that I don’t even actually like him anymore, although a good friend told me recently that it can be very easy to love someone you don’t like. Perhaps is that I don’t understand why he could not man up and actually take me out on a date. Perhaps I understand now what he later said about that kiss, “It just happened. It wasn’t like I planned it or anything.” I’m learning on many different fronts right now that there are things in my life I may never understand. And now I understand that I have to be okay with that.
On some very basic or chemical level, something drew me to him. And on another very basic level, things between us, as anything other than friends, or maybe at all, will never work out. And now I understand I have to be okay with that.
When we first met I was attracted to him, a lot. Which is understandable considering. As I got to know him better I found him less attractive physically but that was replaced with finding him more attractive emotionally. The number of things we have in common is a little scary. We are essentially the same person. Which makes it blatantly clear that dating would not be a good idea. During the first few months we knew each other he told me that he saw me as a friend only and that he did not see it leading anywhere other than that…which hurt… a lot. Working on ourselves side-by-side, with a lot of other people who we both became close to, I was able to put the friendship first and let go of any expectations. Sure, I always hoped he would figure out how amazing I was, but I never really put a lot of faith in that. Maybe I already knew that it didn’t make sense, that it wouldn’t work out. Our friendship was wonderful. We talked on the phone, caught up in person when we had time, just generally supported each other and on some level loved each other. I gave him a lot of energy. I gave him a lot of heart space, most of my heart space for the greater portion of this last year. Which served the interesting purpose of keeping me emotionally unavailable to anyone else who might happen along.
Then he kissed me.
This was, I thought, the moment I had been waiting for. It felt good, but it didn’t feel great, which is sort of a strange thing to admit. After all this attraction and companionship the jolt wasn’t there. It didn’t feel like kissing the love of my life. Yet, I still wanted it to turn into something. I wanted the relationship of my dreams with my best friend. I wanted him to want me. But almost instantly, things got weird. I over thought it, he over thought it. Then, radio silence. Then, it was as if it had not happened. It was as if I had fabricated the whole thing in some tiny little back corner of my fantastic imagination. All of a sudden we were back to being friends without so much as a “thanks for the moment”.
I haven’t been able to relate to him ever since. I haven’t been able to be myself around him ever since. I think the thing that disturbs me so greatly is that I may be in love with someone who could not possibly be a worse fit for me. Perhaps it is that I feel like a fool, essentially loving someone who doesn’t love me in return. But, really, which is worse? Loving someone who is not at all right for me or loving someone who doesn’t love me? Perhaps it is that we are carbon copies of each other. Perhaps is that that I don’t even actually like him anymore, although a good friend told me recently that it can be very easy to love someone you don’t like. Perhaps is that I don’t understand why he could not man up and actually take me out on a date. Perhaps I understand now what he later said about that kiss, “It just happened. It wasn’t like I planned it or anything.” I’m learning on many different fronts right now that there are things in my life I may never understand. And now I understand that I have to be okay with that.
On some very basic or chemical level, something drew me to him. And on another very basic level, things between us, as anything other than friends, or maybe at all, will never work out. And now I understand I have to be okay with that.
Monday, December 21, 2009
I’m watching Love, Actually. Well, really I’m listening to it while I clean my apartment and put away four loads of laundry before finally climbing into bed at 11:40. I guess the best part of having two weeks off of work is that I can at long last stay up late and write. Most women would probably agree that the holidays are the hardest time of year to be single. Starting before Thanksgiving and running all the way through Valentine’s Day we are inundating with diamond commercials. I’ve starting calling it the “diamond season”, not altogether jokingly. Engagement rings, earrings, necklaces, tennis bracelets, watches, on and on for four months the advertising world is telling us that some man should be buying us jewelry and showering us with love. I’d like to know what they think relationships look like the rest of the year.
The other night on my way home I drove by the City and County building. Every year the city of Denver puts together a beautiful Christmas display. The whole building is covered in lights. There’s a nativity scene and Santa’s workshop. Traffic gets backed up all along Bannock as cars slow down or park to get out and enjoy the lights. When I was a little girl my family would come to Denver for an afternoon to go Christmas shopping. This was a BIG deal. Long ago, the Tabor Center was a great little downtown shopping center, cute stores, right on the 16th Street Mall. After shopping we would get a carriage ride around downtown to the City and County building and then back to the Old Spaghetti Factory for dinner. The whole day was a treat. I remember thinking what an amazing city Denver was, how lucky I was to have such an amazing family, how gorgeous Larimer square was under the lights, how perfect Christmas in Colorado was…bundled under tons of blankets and dressed up a little for the occasion all I felt was love. Funny how driving by the lights this year all I felt was alone.
Someone once told me that there is a difference between feeling lonely and feeling alone. I agree. I don’t often feel lonely. I do, however, often feel alone. It’s not a feeling I really enjoy. I long for the day when I can cuddle up with the man of my dreams in front of the fireplace after a long day of Christmas shopping and celebrating and wrapping and baking and just settle into each other’s arms.
Being single during the holidays seems to be multiplied under the strain of the commercials, the happy couples and families everywhere, the lights, the carriages, the music, the parties where my parents friends actually have the gall to ask me why it is that I’m still single. “Gosh,” they say, “you’re so cute and smart and funny and…why can’t you find a man?” I’m not really sure what they expect as a response to this. “Well, I am apparently not that smart or cute or funny” or “I’m just too picky” or “Well the men I like, don’t seem to actually be interested in me”. I’m considering wearing a sign around this year that says, “Yes, I’m still single. But I’d rather be single and sort of happy than in a relationship and miserable. Or divorced once, twice, even three times by 28.” I know too many people who are in marriages or relationships that are painful at best and torturous at worst and I do in fact know someone who is on her third marriage at the age of 29. None of which is really what I’m looking for! I want to know going into the relationship that it isn’t going to end in tatters, in tears and angry words. In boxes packed and gifts returned, in friendships lost and in time essentially wasted. So I guess what I’m looking for is a guarantee. Someone who can say I love you today and I will do everything in my power to love you more tomorrow and more the next day. Someone who will expect the same from me. Someone who will say, “You’re worth taking the risk of giving you my heart” and “I know my faith is well put in you”. Someone who won’t over analyze every part of everything that happens around two people. I’m looking for someone who can put their trust in me enough that I can be reminded of how to put my trust in other people.
I realize as I say this that before anyone can put their trust in me I have to trust myself. Which I don’t. Not at all. Something I’ve been working on this year, a lot. Don’t seem to have gotten very far. Well, ok, I do trust myself on certain things…teaching, my family, I mostly seem to have that under control, mostly. I just don’t trust myself in relationships. I don’t seem to have the very best taste in men. I don’t seem to listen to my own intuition. And up to this point I don’t seem to be able to actually change that. Which is disturbing. I know better. I know I can change it. I just haven’t yet…and I don’t seem to be in any hurry to do so. Yet I know that in order to find the man of my dreams I’m going to have change it. A lot of what I’ve done this year has been about changing my relationship with fear. I seem to have processed that on a very physical level and very little on an emotional or spiritual level. What risks am I willing to take in order to get what I want? What am I willing to let go of to find this man? Can I handle getting my heart broken again? I tend to fall hard, fast and without much thought. Which I’m sure can work in my favor, however in the past really hasn’t. Can I fall in love without losing myself? Can I trust my own judgment when it comes to men? Soooo many questions…and, for now, no real answers.
The other night on my way home I drove by the City and County building. Every year the city of Denver puts together a beautiful Christmas display. The whole building is covered in lights. There’s a nativity scene and Santa’s workshop. Traffic gets backed up all along Bannock as cars slow down or park to get out and enjoy the lights. When I was a little girl my family would come to Denver for an afternoon to go Christmas shopping. This was a BIG deal. Long ago, the Tabor Center was a great little downtown shopping center, cute stores, right on the 16th Street Mall. After shopping we would get a carriage ride around downtown to the City and County building and then back to the Old Spaghetti Factory for dinner. The whole day was a treat. I remember thinking what an amazing city Denver was, how lucky I was to have such an amazing family, how gorgeous Larimer square was under the lights, how perfect Christmas in Colorado was…bundled under tons of blankets and dressed up a little for the occasion all I felt was love. Funny how driving by the lights this year all I felt was alone.
Someone once told me that there is a difference between feeling lonely and feeling alone. I agree. I don’t often feel lonely. I do, however, often feel alone. It’s not a feeling I really enjoy. I long for the day when I can cuddle up with the man of my dreams in front of the fireplace after a long day of Christmas shopping and celebrating and wrapping and baking and just settle into each other’s arms.
Being single during the holidays seems to be multiplied under the strain of the commercials, the happy couples and families everywhere, the lights, the carriages, the music, the parties where my parents friends actually have the gall to ask me why it is that I’m still single. “Gosh,” they say, “you’re so cute and smart and funny and…why can’t you find a man?” I’m not really sure what they expect as a response to this. “Well, I am apparently not that smart or cute or funny” or “I’m just too picky” or “Well the men I like, don’t seem to actually be interested in me”. I’m considering wearing a sign around this year that says, “Yes, I’m still single. But I’d rather be single and sort of happy than in a relationship and miserable. Or divorced once, twice, even three times by 28.” I know too many people who are in marriages or relationships that are painful at best and torturous at worst and I do in fact know someone who is on her third marriage at the age of 29. None of which is really what I’m looking for! I want to know going into the relationship that it isn’t going to end in tatters, in tears and angry words. In boxes packed and gifts returned, in friendships lost and in time essentially wasted. So I guess what I’m looking for is a guarantee. Someone who can say I love you today and I will do everything in my power to love you more tomorrow and more the next day. Someone who will expect the same from me. Someone who will say, “You’re worth taking the risk of giving you my heart” and “I know my faith is well put in you”. Someone who won’t over analyze every part of everything that happens around two people. I’m looking for someone who can put their trust in me enough that I can be reminded of how to put my trust in other people.
I realize as I say this that before anyone can put their trust in me I have to trust myself. Which I don’t. Not at all. Something I’ve been working on this year, a lot. Don’t seem to have gotten very far. Well, ok, I do trust myself on certain things…teaching, my family, I mostly seem to have that under control, mostly. I just don’t trust myself in relationships. I don’t seem to have the very best taste in men. I don’t seem to listen to my own intuition. And up to this point I don’t seem to be able to actually change that. Which is disturbing. I know better. I know I can change it. I just haven’t yet…and I don’t seem to be in any hurry to do so. Yet I know that in order to find the man of my dreams I’m going to have change it. A lot of what I’ve done this year has been about changing my relationship with fear. I seem to have processed that on a very physical level and very little on an emotional or spiritual level. What risks am I willing to take in order to get what I want? What am I willing to let go of to find this man? Can I handle getting my heart broken again? I tend to fall hard, fast and without much thought. Which I’m sure can work in my favor, however in the past really hasn’t. Can I fall in love without losing myself? Can I trust my own judgment when it comes to men? Soooo many questions…and, for now, no real answers.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
So, instead of going out on a Saturday night I’m at home doing laundry, dishes, etc. Watching Akeelah and the Bee. There’s a point in this movie where the two finalists have a conversation about giving it their all. They shine with all their knowledge and therefore, give each other the permission to shine as well. As they run through the 25 championship words they cheer each other on, taking joy in each success and in the success of their competitor. This is truly Win-Win. By being our most excellent, extraordinary, highest selves, we know that nothing that anyone else does can take away from us. Call it trust, faith or just calm…these children know and express something that adults rarely see and almost never believe in… Your success does not take away from me…it does not diminish me. On the contrary, your success floods me with success. Why is it that as children we are capable of seeing this and expressing it and that as adults we almost completely lose the capacity to see it?
At an earlier point in the movie Akeelah reads a quote attributed to Nelson Mandela, “Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves: who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It’s not just in some: it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Actually this quote is from a book by Marianne Williamson, one of my favorite inspirational authors. It really addresses my fears: being powerful, brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous. Many of us seem to be afraid of being to smart, funny, rich or hardworking so we play down our strengths and this diminishes the entire energy of the universe.
It reminds me of an experience I had with preschoolers this year. There was a box, large enough for one child to fit in, not large enough for more than one child. One of the children’s father’s decided that before he left that morning that he would drive this box around the room at high speed. Each child took a turn. They all trusted that they would get their turn. There was no fighting over whose turn it was…they took joy in each others’ joy. As each child took their turn the other children laughed and clapped as if they too were in the box. If they had already gone they might have remembered how great it felt. If they hadn’t gone yet they were still anticipating the joy they themselves would feel…their own joy fed the joy of the group, which fed joy back to each child. How smart these children are. How intuitive. No jealousies erupted. No harsh words spoken. Just love and joy, enjoyment, anticipation, shared enthusiasm.
How is that as adults we come to fear other’s successes? Personal and professional, there’s not enough for all of us to play. We never get enough turns. When it’s our turn we spend the time thinking of how it will end. When it’s not our turn we feel jealous and resentful. We never live in the moment as adults…WHY? So busy thinking of all the other things going on around us? So many experiences that tell us not to celebrate little victories, because they’re not really that important. Not to experience big victories because after a big victory comes a big let-down. We have become so afraid of living the lives we imagine that we chose to live the unimagined life.
This is why I teach…How can we create a generation of children who will live their lives in celebration and victory? Only by living lives in celebration and victory and not just celebrating our own, individual successes. We must celebrate with people around us. We must truly experience their moment as if it is our moment, their moment does not take away from us, it only creates new possibilities of potential moments. We must see their joy as our joy, their celebration as ours, their victories as our victories. The collective power that comes from celebrating each other and the positive energy that is then created is, in fact, unstoppable. Mahatma Gandhi said, “We must be the change we wish to see in the world.” As we BE the change, we change the world. As we celebrate with each other, encourage each other and live our own extraordinary lives we change the world.
Akeelah ends the movie with this line, that I think really sums it all up, “You know the feeling where everything feels right? Where you don’t have to worry about yesterday or tomorrow? Where you feel safe and know you’re doing the best you can? There’s a word for that…Love. L-O-V-E.”
With great respect to Marianne Williamson, Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, Thomas Wilhite and Doug Atchison who wrote Akeelah and the Bee and to all philosophers who work to raise the consciousness in our world.
At an earlier point in the movie Akeelah reads a quote attributed to Nelson Mandela, “Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves: who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It’s not just in some: it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Actually this quote is from a book by Marianne Williamson, one of my favorite inspirational authors. It really addresses my fears: being powerful, brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous. Many of us seem to be afraid of being to smart, funny, rich or hardworking so we play down our strengths and this diminishes the entire energy of the universe.
It reminds me of an experience I had with preschoolers this year. There was a box, large enough for one child to fit in, not large enough for more than one child. One of the children’s father’s decided that before he left that morning that he would drive this box around the room at high speed. Each child took a turn. They all trusted that they would get their turn. There was no fighting over whose turn it was…they took joy in each others’ joy. As each child took their turn the other children laughed and clapped as if they too were in the box. If they had already gone they might have remembered how great it felt. If they hadn’t gone yet they were still anticipating the joy they themselves would feel…their own joy fed the joy of the group, which fed joy back to each child. How smart these children are. How intuitive. No jealousies erupted. No harsh words spoken. Just love and joy, enjoyment, anticipation, shared enthusiasm.
How is that as adults we come to fear other’s successes? Personal and professional, there’s not enough for all of us to play. We never get enough turns. When it’s our turn we spend the time thinking of how it will end. When it’s not our turn we feel jealous and resentful. We never live in the moment as adults…WHY? So busy thinking of all the other things going on around us? So many experiences that tell us not to celebrate little victories, because they’re not really that important. Not to experience big victories because after a big victory comes a big let-down. We have become so afraid of living the lives we imagine that we chose to live the unimagined life.
This is why I teach…How can we create a generation of children who will live their lives in celebration and victory? Only by living lives in celebration and victory and not just celebrating our own, individual successes. We must celebrate with people around us. We must truly experience their moment as if it is our moment, their moment does not take away from us, it only creates new possibilities of potential moments. We must see their joy as our joy, their celebration as ours, their victories as our victories. The collective power that comes from celebrating each other and the positive energy that is then created is, in fact, unstoppable. Mahatma Gandhi said, “We must be the change we wish to see in the world.” As we BE the change, we change the world. As we celebrate with each other, encourage each other and live our own extraordinary lives we change the world.
Akeelah ends the movie with this line, that I think really sums it all up, “You know the feeling where everything feels right? Where you don’t have to worry about yesterday or tomorrow? Where you feel safe and know you’re doing the best you can? There’s a word for that…Love. L-O-V-E.”
With great respect to Marianne Williamson, Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, Thomas Wilhite and Doug Atchison who wrote Akeelah and the Bee and to all philosophers who work to raise the consciousness in our world.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
I decided yesterday to walk to school today. What’s the point in living in the city if I don’t take advantage of it? I have not walked to classes since my junior year of college. Not all that many years ago, but in a very different lifetime. It seems that I am almost an entirely different version of myself… a more authentic, mature, calm, self-aware version. Since then I’ve earned both my bachelors and masters degrees, started teaching, moved across the country and back, fallen in love, got my heart broken, cut my losses and learned a lot about myself and how I view the world around me.
As I start out walking across the Office Max parking lot towards Colfax I see a parked police car and decide that it’s not such a bad idea to walk down Colfax, at least for a while. In my neighborhood, at least within a few blocks of my place Colfax really isn’t that scary. I walk towards Immaculate Conception, my favorite church in all of Denver. For some reason I just love the idea of this gorgeous cathedral right smack in the middle of the one of “most dangerous streets in America”. Last weekend when I was just moving in, there was a wedding. I could hear the bells ringing to celebrate their vows and it filled me with some odd sort of joy, love and hope. These strangers, people I don’t even know are choosing to spend their lives together. Making a commitment to each other and their union and I got to celebrate it with them. I love this church.
I see a group of people, five maybe six, gathered half a block down on my side of the street and figure that this is a good time to head over to 16th… I’ve been thinking about how to navigate my neighborhood. Walking down Colfax past the Capital sort of implies seeing a number of people who are homeless or sleeping off a bender or some sort of high. I’m not sure I want to wake anyone who happens to be sleeping on the marble steps or the lawn. In fact, I’m sure I don’t want to wake them!
I head downtown and am surround by buildings that grow taller and taller and more generic. All of a sudden I begin to wonder if I am in St Louis, Oakland, even Phoenix. These are not cities that I’ve spent much, if any time in, but this part of Denver feels like any other medium sized city. It ceases to be unique, to be vibrantly Colorado and I wonder if my feelings on this will change as I get to know this area better.
I head down the 16th Street Mall. It is amazingly quiet this time of day. A street sweeper goes by. The MallRide cruises back and forth. Outside of the Starbucks a man is playing the harp. He has a Red Flyer wagon packed with blankets and clothes and what must be all his worldly possessions that he uses as a bench. He has a little hat out in front of him, with a few coins and bills in it, although it’s so early I have a hard time believing he’s actually making money. His eyes are closed and he sways back and forth to the music he’s creating. It’s not very pretty as harp music goes; it sounds slightly out of tune, I think, and he often plays discordant notes, as if he really doesn’t care. It seems he is only playing for his own enjoyment and it adds a nice layer to the sounds of the city in the morning.
Coffee takes much longer than it should. The people in front of me are having a conversation with the barista about the newly re-mastered Beatles CDs that Starbucks music is hawking these days. The man wonders if it is a cover album; it’s not and I wonder how in the world Starbucks got the rights to re-master and re- release these albums.
I walk down the block where my ex boyfriend and I had our first big fight. I walk past the Paramount and Marlowe’s and past the corner where I threw the bag of freebies at him after the Warren Miller film we saw with his friends all those years ago. I can almost see shadows of us from that night… signs that were telling us that we weren’t the perfect fit we had both imagined we were. Signs we wouldn’t listen to until much later, until it was too late for us to do anything except break up.
By this point I realize I’m definitely going to be late for class and I’m not sure if this realization is a defense mechanism in response to dealing with the memories of Ben. I’ve been strolling along, taking in the city and the day, reflecting on how my life has changed and how I’ve ended up exactly where I’m supposed to be, even though it’s not where I thought I would be or where I thought I wanted to be. Now I have to pick up the pace and shut down some of the reflection so I don’t walk in absurdly late.
As I walk down Larimer, hurrying now, I see a couple in their mid to late 40s with three enormous Great Danes. Everyone is stopping to talk with them and pet the dogs. I watch a car stop at a green light to comment on these beautiful creatures. Crossing Speer against the light, I have to hustle to avoid getting hit and I realize that I’m so busy talking to myself about this walk, about my life that I’m not exactly present. I’m just so inside my own head this morning that I’m only attending to events or people that resonant with me. Since I’m not driving cars aren’t really in my realm of consciousness.
The sidewalk in front of the building is wet and I splash in the shallow standing water. The sound of my shoes and the sprinklers distract me from the reality of actually having to go in, to relinquish this perfect September day and enter a classroom with no windows. Many days I enjoy continuing my education. I love learning the theories and then being able to relate them to my practice in the classroom. But today I just want to stay outside. I want to sit under this cloudless blue sky and watch the sun move the shadows on the ground. I want to hear the breeze move through the trees and feel the warmth of the early fall light on my skin. I take a deep breath, capture the essence in my memory and walk inside.
As I start out walking across the Office Max parking lot towards Colfax I see a parked police car and decide that it’s not such a bad idea to walk down Colfax, at least for a while. In my neighborhood, at least within a few blocks of my place Colfax really isn’t that scary. I walk towards Immaculate Conception, my favorite church in all of Denver. For some reason I just love the idea of this gorgeous cathedral right smack in the middle of the one of “most dangerous streets in America”. Last weekend when I was just moving in, there was a wedding. I could hear the bells ringing to celebrate their vows and it filled me with some odd sort of joy, love and hope. These strangers, people I don’t even know are choosing to spend their lives together. Making a commitment to each other and their union and I got to celebrate it with them. I love this church.
I see a group of people, five maybe six, gathered half a block down on my side of the street and figure that this is a good time to head over to 16th… I’ve been thinking about how to navigate my neighborhood. Walking down Colfax past the Capital sort of implies seeing a number of people who are homeless or sleeping off a bender or some sort of high. I’m not sure I want to wake anyone who happens to be sleeping on the marble steps or the lawn. In fact, I’m sure I don’t want to wake them!
I head downtown and am surround by buildings that grow taller and taller and more generic. All of a sudden I begin to wonder if I am in St Louis, Oakland, even Phoenix. These are not cities that I’ve spent much, if any time in, but this part of Denver feels like any other medium sized city. It ceases to be unique, to be vibrantly Colorado and I wonder if my feelings on this will change as I get to know this area better.
I head down the 16th Street Mall. It is amazingly quiet this time of day. A street sweeper goes by. The MallRide cruises back and forth. Outside of the Starbucks a man is playing the harp. He has a Red Flyer wagon packed with blankets and clothes and what must be all his worldly possessions that he uses as a bench. He has a little hat out in front of him, with a few coins and bills in it, although it’s so early I have a hard time believing he’s actually making money. His eyes are closed and he sways back and forth to the music he’s creating. It’s not very pretty as harp music goes; it sounds slightly out of tune, I think, and he often plays discordant notes, as if he really doesn’t care. It seems he is only playing for his own enjoyment and it adds a nice layer to the sounds of the city in the morning.
Coffee takes much longer than it should. The people in front of me are having a conversation with the barista about the newly re-mastered Beatles CDs that Starbucks music is hawking these days. The man wonders if it is a cover album; it’s not and I wonder how in the world Starbucks got the rights to re-master and re- release these albums.
I walk down the block where my ex boyfriend and I had our first big fight. I walk past the Paramount and Marlowe’s and past the corner where I threw the bag of freebies at him after the Warren Miller film we saw with his friends all those years ago. I can almost see shadows of us from that night… signs that were telling us that we weren’t the perfect fit we had both imagined we were. Signs we wouldn’t listen to until much later, until it was too late for us to do anything except break up.
By this point I realize I’m definitely going to be late for class and I’m not sure if this realization is a defense mechanism in response to dealing with the memories of Ben. I’ve been strolling along, taking in the city and the day, reflecting on how my life has changed and how I’ve ended up exactly where I’m supposed to be, even though it’s not where I thought I would be or where I thought I wanted to be. Now I have to pick up the pace and shut down some of the reflection so I don’t walk in absurdly late.
As I walk down Larimer, hurrying now, I see a couple in their mid to late 40s with three enormous Great Danes. Everyone is stopping to talk with them and pet the dogs. I watch a car stop at a green light to comment on these beautiful creatures. Crossing Speer against the light, I have to hustle to avoid getting hit and I realize that I’m so busy talking to myself about this walk, about my life that I’m not exactly present. I’m just so inside my own head this morning that I’m only attending to events or people that resonant with me. Since I’m not driving cars aren’t really in my realm of consciousness.
The sidewalk in front of the building is wet and I splash in the shallow standing water. The sound of my shoes and the sprinklers distract me from the reality of actually having to go in, to relinquish this perfect September day and enter a classroom with no windows. Many days I enjoy continuing my education. I love learning the theories and then being able to relate them to my practice in the classroom. But today I just want to stay outside. I want to sit under this cloudless blue sky and watch the sun move the shadows on the ground. I want to hear the breeze move through the trees and feel the warmth of the early fall light on my skin. I take a deep breath, capture the essence in my memory and walk inside.
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